The most famous I've ever been!!!

I still consider myself a novice when it comes to this whole blogging thing. I mean, I love writing and all, but my girlfriends blog is WAY cooler (if you don't believe me, check it out at nrcolfer.blogspot.com).

But I consider the what the stats of my site to be a good thing. Check it out- according to the stats on my blog, I've had 103 people from the U.S. look at my site, 11 people from Peru, 1 from France, 1 from Slovenia, and one person from Thailand.

Now, forgive me for not being so excited about the 103 from the U.S. See, the thing is that I think the blogging thing counts each visit from anyone, anywhere. What I mean is that the exact same person can open and close my site 20 times, and it will count as 20 hits. I know this works, because I'm a very insecure person and I did exactly that when I first started my blog just so it could look like 20 different people were interested in my random babbling. And then maybe there's just one other good Samaritan out there who likes making my self-esteem go up who has upon chance found my blog and opened it up 80 times. There- there's 100 hits among only 2 people. The other 3 were probably lost on the Internet, and are just lucky they didn't stumble upon a pornographic site instead with the mindless clicking about around cyberspace.

No, I'm much more excited about the INTERNATIONAL HITS! Check it out- 11 from Peru! From France, Slovenia- and THAILAND! I feel like I've become an international diplomat overnight. These people from these other countries, and may have never been to the U.S. before. That means that the only taste they have of true American culture is through none other than me. So then, I need to roll out the welcome mat and welcome them!

AHEM- Hello people of other countries that are not the U.S.- Welcome! I am an American in the heart of the U.S.A. I am dating a girl from Peru. I have served a religious mission in Brazil. I have visited Spain, Germany, Canada and Texas, so I would like to think that I am internationally educated. I have eaten your food, spoken your languages, and met your people. Let me say that on behalf of all Americans, that we are NOT all like this:

I mean, sure, it happens, but it's NOT ME. In fact, none of my friends are like this. My girlfriend once even told me that she would not be my friend if I was fat, so the pressure's on to keep skinny! I'm 5'10" (1.78 meters) tall, and about 150 pounds (about 68 kg). Most of the people I see are about as skinny as I am, or maybe as far as "overweight" according to the BMI (which sucks, another idea for another post). Where I live there are very few people that are obese, and I promise we're NOT always in McDonald's wasting food. Well, actually- that part I agree. No, not the McDonald's part, the wasteful part. I can't even remember the last time I went to McDonald's. Wait, yes I do!

Side note- last time I went to McDonald's. I asked for "2 double Cheeseburgers and 2 apple pies". They charged me much more money than I thought I should pay, and they ended up giving me "2 double cheeseburgers and 2 HUGE BUCKETS OF FRENCH FRIES".  The only part of that that I can understand was that "pies" and "fries" rhyme. Maybe they got them mixed up. But see, French Fries come in small, medium, large, and BUCKET. I'm confused about what part of "apple pies" can be mixed up for "THE BIGGEST QUANTITY OF FRENCH FRIES YOU CAN POSSIBLY GIVE ME".

I mean, I don't just mean the biggest package of fries. I mean a bucket. 2 of them.




Yeah. Two of these. That's what McDonald's understood instead of two small apple pies.

Anyway, I don't eat at McDonald's. But the main thing I agree with other countries is t hat we waste a ton of food! Not just food- we Americans have lots of trash. For example, for Christmas I just got a USB thumb drive that plugs into the computer to store data. It's only about this big:




Life size USB drive

The packaging it came it was in a plastic window about the size of a Rubiks cube, which was inside of a sheet of cardboard about as wide as a piece of paper, and tall as my computer screen. All that packaging just so it would scream the attention of a consumer walking down the isle it was hanging from in the store. I can't use that cardboard, so I recycled it*. I admit it, it was wasteful.

But I promise I'm doing my part! Just to not make it go to waste, I wear the same shoes I've had since I was 16 and I eat food that I don't like. So don't worry, I'll get wet feet, wear ugly clothes, and will get sick from things I eat, but I will not let it go to waste! You people can rest easy.

We're ALSO not like this:

Well, I'm not anyway. Some people might be. It's not exactly something I go around asking people- "Excuse me, fellow american- do you believe that we should try to conquer the entire world and make EVERYONE an american as we are?"

But if you really are interested, I'll try to take a poll around BYU campus.

Yeah, it's true that we have a bunch of troops in other countries. These are people that are risking their own lives to do what their own leaders tell them to do. If our county was ever under attack, it would be these people who would be putting their own life on the line to defend me and my life. I respect these men very much.

But what I'm trying to say is that they're in the other countries for reasons decided by the government of the U.S.A.. The people that trained them and give them orders are people in the government. I have not yet even voted for a single member of government. I'm not going to get into whether or not I agree or disagree with the people in our government, I'm just trying to separate myself from them. What I'm trying to say is that any bad or good political decision, including wars and general global bossing around- has NOTHING to do with me.

Then again, if you're a fan of the American culture and never had any of the above concerns, by all means- keep it up!

Anyway, welcome to a very small window of american culture via my blog. If you have any questions/concerns feel freen to leave a comment- I'll get to it and do what I can to make you enjoy your stay. Although for some of you I must apologize- I don't speak the languages of France, Thailand or Slovenia (to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure which language they speak in Slovenia). Beyond the micralce of Google Translate, I'm going to have a hard time communicating with you people, unless you speak English. And if you don't speak English, what the heck are you doing on my blog? How'd you find it, anyway if you were searching for it in your native language?

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*I grew up in Oregon, where recycling is available and encouraged. I also encourage it. However, where I currently live makes recycling very hard. Recycling and Sales tax are two things about Utah that I want to fix. You can do your part by writing nasty emails to the U.S. government.

Why I'll never be married - Part 3

Sorry to end the happy ending, but yes, the door was opened, but no, we didn't make it to the temple. Why not? Well, let's read on!

The smoking tow truck man managed to get the door unlocked simply by lowering the window. I felt really dumbe tow truck man, though, was really happy with his creative success, and obvious triumph over my stupidity. He smiled as he went to his car to get the paper for me to sign to say that it was okay for him to take my money.

Nadia opened the back-passenger side door to put away the scraper, and made extra care to leave that door open as she opened the passenger door to get into the warm car- obviously taking extra special care to leave at least one door open at all times lest we lock ourselves out again. She hopped in the car to hop into the warm goodness!

Now, since I was especially freezing, I was excited to get into the warm car, too! I opened the door to get in, but something happened that I didn't expect- instead of making me feel really warm and good again, I started to feel faint. My vision started to blurr and the voice of my 11-year-old boy scout leader (my dad) somehow found the inner microphone in my brain and echoed in a haunting voice: "When someone is in danger of hypothermia, make sure you do NOT heat them up too quickly. For example, it would be a bad idea to stick them in a car that's been heated by the heater to be really warm. This could send the victim into shock, which would only make things worse."

Now, I don't think I was in danger of hypothermia, but I was certainly REALLY cold. Especially my feet.

As my vision and mind were swimming, smo-tow man (Nickname for him- "Smoking Tow truck man" is now "smo-tow man"- k?) thought it would be a perfectly good time to get my signature. Of course being who I am, I first pretended that nothing was wrong, trying to fight to stay coherent enough to simply sign his stupid piece of paper.

Now, you know no matter how many rules, guidelines, laws, etc. there are, there will ALWAYS be something that falls through the cracks? Maybe this isn't the best example, but I think it qualifies. I think there should be a universal law that says you NEVER ask anyone for their signature to validate a credit/debit card transaction when the person that needs to sign is too cold to even feel their own fingers. I can promise you that that signature looks nothing like my real signature. I'm actually expecting a call any day now from someone who sees that signature and says "Uh... that's not you!". In fact, that might be a good thing so that I can say "You're right- that's not my signature!" so that they assume that someone stole my card so I don't have to pay it. I'll make that choice when it comes.

As I was holding the paper and pen to sign, I felt myself get weaker, so I leaned up against the car. "That'll support me for a bit longer." I thought. Nope- my body wasn't even strong enough to support itself with the car's help, and I slid a little down the side of the car. Not enough to get hurt, but enough that Smo-tow man noticed.

"Hey, man, are you alright?"

Now, looking back, I can see the point of view from Smo-tow man. He gets out of his truck, struggles with the lock, and finally gets it open, and then hands the bill to the customer. The customer then faints. Now, if I had thought of this THEN, I might have beefed it up a little. The response to "Hey man- are you alright?" might have been:

"Oh... what? Sorry. I- mean, I was distracted. What a PRICE this is, eh? I think... oh, gosh... I can't breath... hospital! I can't..." [*FAINT*].

Then I might have been able to play with his emotions enough to make it free. I mean, let's face it- why should I pay him to ROLL DOWN MY WINDOW? Just because he has cooler toys means I have to pay him to watch him play with them? For anyone wondering, the total price to watch him play with toys was $75. Yeah- my dad told me to go to college so I wouldn't have a job like Smo-tow man? No, Smo-tow has the  best job ever! He plays with toys for 8 minutes and gets $75 for it??? Well, at least now if I fail college, I'll have a plan B. Err... maybe that would actually be plan F by now. But those are thoughts for a different post.

Instead of making a big deal about it and finally putting my years of high school drama club to good use, I did the more manly thing. I responded "Yeah. Just feeling a little faint".

He suggested I sit down in the driver's seat which is what I wanted to do anyway. I don't know to this day how I managed to sign my name with fingers I couldn't feel, with eyes that were making everything blurry, or a mind that was struggling to stay conscious, but somehow I did it.

"Alright, you're free to go! Just don't drive if you're not feeling alright, okay?"

"Sure thing!"

I sat down in the driver's seat, and reclined the seat to just rest for a little bit. I couldn't see very well, but I knew that Nadia was concerned about what was going on. I learned my lesson when I was 18 that driving while feeling faint is a bad idea (another post for another day). So I told Nadia my brilliant plan to make everything better:
"Uh... I think I'm just going to lie down for a second. I'll be okay in a few minutes."

And I lied down. I don't know for how long. I'm not sure if I really blacked out, but if I did, that's when it was. All I remember after that was waking up to "Trent, you're shaking! Here, move over- I'll drive."

I still felt weak but managed to get over to the passenger seat while Nadia got into my seat. I took my shoes off at Nadia's suggestion to warm my feet up by the heater. Nadia threw her coat on top of me and adjusted the seat/mirrors and started to drive. We hit a few stoplights, so I think it took about 5 minutes to get there. I remember only a few things from the short trip- my feet burning with the cold, shivering uncontrolably, and a short glimpse of Nadia's face looking down at me with genuine fear for what was going to happen to me. I tried to tell Nadia that I was just weak from the cold, but that I'd be okay in a little bit, but I guess that's hard to sell when you're grimacing from pain.

By the time we got to Nadia's apartment I was feeling better. Still weak and very cold, but better. I sat up, and in an effort to convince Nadia that I was going to be okay, I even took the time to tie my shoes. Well, at least I tried. My fingers were still really numb, so I think in ended up inventing my own way of tying my own shoes. I got out and walked up the icy stairs to Nadia's apartment where I lied down on the couch while Nadia piled all of her best blankets over me and sat on my feet to keep them warm.

At this point I was done shaking, it was just a matter of getting warm again. I knew everything was going to be alright. So I thought I'd cut the tension with a little joke-

"Well... snowboarding later today will be the next adventure, right?"

Apparently I spoke too soon. Nadia reprimanded me for taking it all so lightly, and explained how she was scared that something was going to happen to me.

Now, I'd love to say that something really did happen to me. I think this would be a much cooler story if it somehow involved me getting hit on the head with a lead pipe while successfully defending Nadia from the clutches of a terrible biker gang.

Nope. I fainted from shock by being exposed to a warm car.

Things did get better from there. I warmed up, I could feel my feet again, and it took some time, but I still convinced Nadia to go snowboarding with me later that day. She fell down a lot, got frustrated, and I learned that the best way for her to learn how to do it was by me leaving her alone, but when we were done she said she wanted to go again, so I'm going to consider it a success. In fact, even if I'm wrong, I'm going to completely ignore it and say that snowboarding was a success- if not, then NOTHING was a success that day!

Anyway, so I think my blog's image of myself should change. I'm not sure if it's a demotion, or a promotion, but I think I'm done being portrayed as this guy:

and I should find a new image. Something a little more fitting to my weak little self. Maybe...

Or maybe this one. Yeah... that seems a good mix between the two:

(No- no political message intended- simply a picture of a grown man crying. Beyond sales tax or anything else I deem appropriate to later talk about, no politics will be discussed here)

Ignoring the fact that it's Glenn Beck, I'm going to use this image to represent the fool x infinity from now on. Well, at least until I find a better picture of something less controversial.



Why I'll never be married- Part 2

So, I accepted that it wasn't an emergency- at least it wasn't a life/death thing. It was more of just my pride and reputation that were suffering. And even worse, my girlfriend was coming to see me after walking in the bitter cold. And once she gets here, she's going to see the proof that I am indeed an idiot. Crap.

Alright, so Police aren't going to help. Now what? Well, they suggested a tow truck company. I texted "towing 84604" to google, and got a good phone number. I talked with a nice man who wanted my money. Here's the conversation:

"Hi! My name is Trent. I... uh... kinda locked myself out of my car. Can you help?"
"Yep! We'd love to. Where are you located?"
"800 N 150 W Provo, UT"
"Okay, I'll see if I have a car nearby that can come. But first- can you tell me what kind of car it is?"
"Sure... maybe... eh? Well, maybe not... See, it's my girlfriend's car. Calling her was kind of embarrassing, by the way. But anyway, it's a Dae Woo... something. 4 door 5 passenger cream colored."
"Ha ha! That's alright- sure. I'll just see if anyone's nearby. Can you hold?"
"...yeah! I'll hold."
"k- just a sec."
*click*

"..." [TONS OF SHIVERING] "..." [OH MY GOSH IT'S COLD] "..." [I'VE NEVER HAD HYPOTHERMIA, BUT I MIGHT NOW] "..."

"...Hi- you there?" [This made me think of a funny story once told to me by Mr. Iken in High School- remind me to tell it to you later]
"Yep!"
"Okay, so I have someone that should be there in 1/2 an hour. So it will cost you about s-[BEEP- INCOMING CALL! NADIA'S CALLING]-ive dollars. But, just with company policy, I need to get your credit card information. Could I get the 16 on the front?"
"16? No, the number starts with... oh! You mean the 16 digit number! Yeah, sorry- got it. [GAVE CREDIT CARD INFO]"
"Alright, we'll have someone  there shortly!"
"Thanks! Bye!"

I had no idea how much he was going to charge me. At this point I had no pride, and just thought "To heck with it. Whatever the price is, I deserve to just pay it." Oh, wait- Nadia called me. Yeah- call her back!

"Hi Nadia!"
"[Teeth chattering] ...Hi! Wh-wh-where did you p-p-park the car?"
"It's about a block south of my apartment. If you get to 800 N I'll see you."
"Ok-k-k-ay, I'll see you later!"

More shivering, more freezing, etc. until I see a short girl in a brown jacket walking on the street. No other soul had I seen walking in the freezing weather but me, and her. Yep, it had to be her. If not to be with their stupid boyfriend, who else would be silly enough to brave the cold to be out on this street at this hour?

Nadia came over, and verified that I had, indeed, managed to lock myself out of her car. She actually... wasn't mad. Nope- not at all. She just gave me the look that says "You're such a dork." The only plus to this whole situation was that she noticed how cold I was, and she hugged me to keep me warm. :) Even with her keeping me from freezing to death, though, it was COLD! I can honestly say that I can't remember the last time I was that cold. I can't remember how many times I asked "Where IS that truck?" It seemed to take a long time. It was probably only 30 minutes, but the cold made it so much longer!

FINALLY the truck came. I doubt he had a hard time because

1. We were the only people looking for a Tow-truck
2. We were the only people that looked like they were cold
3. We were staring directly at the tow truck
4. We were the only people on the entire street
5. I was the only idiot on the street.

Mr. Tow Truck man pulled a U-Turn and parked behind us. His window was open. His WINDOW WAS OPEN? What the- did he not know how COLD it was??? We were excited to finally get help! The car's heater had been running for about an hour, now, so it had to be warm. We were litterally just a window's thickness from the warm heaven that awaited us. We were so close- and our savior from the cold had arrived! He parked, and... wait, what's this? Lit up a cigarette. Wait, really? Come on! We're FREEZING!

So, we waited. We started awkwardly at the smoking hero, and he finally came out without his tabacco.

"Hi!" he said "you must be the guy that locked his keys in the car with the car running?"
What, did he see anyone else on the street who was standing in the cold by a car with exhaust coming out of the tailpipe?
"Yep- that's me!"

He pulled out some toys, and got to work. He pulled out a plastic bladder, fit it between the door and the frame, and filled it with air to open the door a crack. Then he pulled out a plastic stick that was bent at an angle, fit it in the crack, and tried to grab the locking knob  to unlock it (Yes, "locking knob" is the real term for it. I looked it up on google. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see picture below).

And actually- what's that all about? "Locking knob"? Didn't people have any other creative ideas for the official name for this part? Consider some of the aweome names for car parts: "Engine", "carburetor", "double intake valve", "differential"- and "locking knob"? If we ever get the chance to officially rename the locking knob, I have my own suggestions: "Lock Notifier", "Automobile Hull locker", or even just "locking button" seems to be slightly better.

Anyway, It didn't work. The locking knob was stuck. So he tried something else- Stick a coat hanger in through the bottom of the window and try to pull up the part of the locking mechanism that unlocks the car. That didn't work either. He stopped, tried the same thing on a different window and said

"Huh. I've never had a lock give me that much trouble before."

I admit it, at this point I got excited. My logic was thus: "Okay, so if he can't get it unlocked, he looks stupid too. Plus, they can't charge me money if they don't unlock it, right? And if he can't get it unlocked, I think I can get the police to come. I mean, they referred me to the towing people, right? I can call back and say 'Uh... that didn't work. What else would you suggest?'. Then I don't pay anything, I get the cops to do what I want, and I don't look so much like an idiot!"

My logic was shattered when the tow truck man said "I'm going to try something I've never done before. I'm going to open the window."

Wait- this guy's a professional, right? How did he not even think about opening the... oh, wait. The windows were automatic. The only way rolling down the windows with his plastic stick would work is if the car was running. And in all the years of this guys professional life, he's only had one idiot who locked the keys in his car- while the car was running. And yep- that idiot was me.

Needless to say, he got the window opened without any problems. He simply pressed a button, and the window went down. Somehow after all that time freezing and worrying, that seemed like such a lame and anticlimactic way of solving the problem.

So then Trent and Nadia hopped in the car, made it to the temple, and laughed about the whole thing. The end.

NOPE! The story gets better. Stay tuned for part 3.



Why I'll never be married- part 1

January 1st- the day of repentance for people all over the world. People start with new years resolutions, new habits, and new goals that aim them towards new and better lives. People around this time of year are pushing their limits to show themselves and others the limits of creativity, intelligence and general awesomeness.

Then, after maybe a month or two, people tend to break off from their once strong determination and slowly slip back into their old, unimproved habits- back to show their own monotonous, stupid and lame selves. For most people this takes a month or two- sometimes three. For me, it takes about oh.... 6 hours.

Let me describe to you how went my very first day of the first month of the year of 2011.

Let me start by giving you the plan. The 1st was a Saturday. Nadia and I like to go to the LDS Temple early on Saturday mornings to avoid visiting when it's crowded. After going to the temple, we planned to do something Nadia has never done before: go snowboarding. It sounded like it was going to be a crazy-awesome day, right? I had been planning on going snowboarding since even before she and I had started dating. It would be great!

The day started at 6:00 that morning. Nadia's car was parked a block away from my apartment so that I could park it nearby without getting it booted (which is what happens here when you park without a permit in any apartment's parking lot). I didn't even know what it meant to have a car booted until I got here, so in case you're as stupid as I am, use the following picture for reference. this is a car that has been booted:

Yeah, that car?  It's not going anywhere. Obviously, it's something to avoid. Okay, moving on with the story.

It was FREEZING that morning. I went out to warm up the car. Nope, it wasn't booted. Now you know how all the cool cars have the keys that let you lock/unlock your car from a distance? I've never had a car that does that. Nadia's car does, though. Now, I have no idea how I did this. But somehow I managed to unlock the car, put the keys in the ignition, start the car, grab the ice scraper, close the doors and scrape off the ice from the windshield- and somehow in the process lock the keys in the car. Did I mention the car was running?

Let me remind you again that it was FREEZING. I was wearing just a suit and tie; good enough to keep me warm for maybe 5 min outside, but not much longer. I tried opening the doors of the car, and even tried using the ice scraper to pry the doors open. Nope- didn't work. So, I swallowed my pride, and called Nadia to admit my mistake. I asked her if I could convince her to walk the mile in the freezing cold to come and let me borrow her spare key. Yes, I'm aware that that would defeat the purpose of picking her up on our way to the temple. What else could I have done?

Nadia's response- "I don't have a spare".

Now is when Trent entered "panic mode". Wait, WHAT? No spare? Uh... dang it! NOW what? Nadia said she would walk over anyway, just to be with me while we figured something out. Not that there was much she could do, but I was kind of glad anyway to have someone come and freeze with me.

While she walked, I considered my options. I remembered a time when my mom had a flat tire on the freeway and couldn't figure out how to get the tire replaced. She called the local police station, and they sent someone over to help us in a friendly way. Soon after the policewoman showed up, we were on our merry way. "Oh, of course!" I thought, "The police! They can help! Don't they have one of those jimmy-lock thingies they use to get into locked cars all the time? I'll call them!" I used my numb, freezing fingers to text google. I texted my zip code and "police", and got the phone number I needed.

As it rang, I quickly accepted that I was an idiot, and decided that if the police people wanted to make fun of me, I would just accept it. Yep, I deserved it.

"Orem dispatch- how can I help?"
"Uh... hi... My name is Trent. I don't even know if it's okay for me to do this, but I seemed to have locked myself out of the car. Is it appropriate to call and ask you guys for help?"
"Yeah! We can help. Are you in Orem?"
"No, I'm in Provo."
"Oh, okay. Well, we can't leave our own area- you'll have to call the Provo Police to help you."
"Oh... right. Okay, I understand that."

Okay, I guess they have borders, and can't go out of their own jurisdiction. I can understand that. But it still seemed kind of funny that Orem was just a few miles from my apartment. Maybe I just watch too much Psych, but somehow it seemed like jurisdictions were "more like guidelines, anyway" (I now have the urge to yell "AAARRRRR!"). Anyway, I guess not. It turns out that Policemen and women actually follow the rules to the letter. Who knew?

Anyway, I called the Provo Police. The conversation went about the same until I got to the part where they said they could help me, and they said they would help me. Continuing from there:

"Well, before we send someone to help, could you tell us where you are?"
"Yeah, I'm in Provo. I'm at 800 N 150 W."
"Alright, and are there any children in the car?"
"No... it's not really an emergency like that. I just need help getting in."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'm afraid we can't just offer assistance like that. If it was an emergency we could help, but if it's just a convenience thing you'll need to call a towing company."
"Oh, okay. I understand. Thanks anyway!"

Wait, what? You mean to tell me that you can't send anyone over to help me get in my car (that's already running) until it's an emergency? At this point I considered a few things. I could try opening up the trunk by breaking the lock, knock on the door of a near-by house, ask if I could borrow their kid, and lock him or her in the trunk. That could count as an emergency, right? And  then while they're there just throw in a "And hey- while you're here, could you help me get into my car?" Or, maybe this is just a reason to get married and have a kid- to make sure that any mistake I make is serious enough to get professional help. So THAT's why people have kids...

TO BE CONTINUED