How to be a horrible door to door salesman

My apartment complex has a sign that you see on your way up the 2 flights of stairs to get to my apartment.

It says "No Soliciting".

To me this is really funny. We are college students, living in a college town, living in a college apartment complex living right next to... wait for it... a college.

What part of the above paragraph says "We have money"?

True, where we live isn't as bad as a lot of the places I used to work in when I was in Brazil.

But it isn't that far off. Things we have in common:

1. Made of brick- horrible insulator.
2. Cockroaches
3. Roof leaks
4. People living above, below and all sides of me
5. Perpetually dirty.
6. Have to climb broken stairs to get to where I live
7. Crazy people making noise all the time
8. Gas stoves
9. Leaving apartment I always pass a dead body (Only if you count my lazy roommate who sleeps through anything- while sleeping on the living room couch)
10. People always knocking on my door to borrow stuff.

So if my job was to bug people and coax money out of them, I think I would go to where people have money. I might be stupid, but my logic goes like this: If I ask a college student for 50 cents, I'm asking for him to go a week without doing laundry. If I go up onto the hill on top of Provo and ask for 50 cents, I'm asking for them to look between the cushions on the couch to find some coins that they have comepletely forgotten about. Which of the two options is more likely to give you money?

Plus, I can't give anyone any more money because I've been made to look like an idiot by someone already. A year ago I talked to a lady who had a basket with a picture of some kids on it. She had a sob story about how her kids were not in the country and how she needed to raise money to pay for them to come and be with her. I felt pity and gave her 50 cents, which made my clothes stink for a week in which nobody wanted to be my friend. After the week of solitude was over, I visited a friend and told her about the lady and her sob story. My friend asked if she was a blonde lady with glasses. She was. My friend then told me that that exact same lady has knocked on her door at least once every year with the exact same story. I had been had.

So, sorry annoying people that knock on my door- I'm not caving in to your needs. Someone already ruined it for you.

The only good part about this is that now I get to play the part of the person who hates having their door knocked on. You know; the kind of person I used to annoy every day in Brazil for 2 years as a mormon missionary. If you don't know what I'm talking about, use the following picture for reference:

Yeah. Him. Now I get to be him.

Even better than his attractive looks are how much of a jerk I get to be. Take my conversation with a salesman I had yesterday for example:

Salesman: "Hey, buddy! How are you? And more importantly- what are you doing at 8:30 tonight?"
Me: "Actually, I plan visiting my girlfriend."
S: "Well, why don't you bring her over to eat pizza [while we try to get you to work for us]?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know... she's feeling kind of sick. I'm going over to nurse her back to health. The doctors are doing a good job, but I figure that even in the hospital she needs emotional support, too."
S: "Oh... I see... well, don't make out with her too much."
Me: [GIVES AWKWARD GLARE]
S: "So... see you later; tell her I told her to get better!"
Me: "..."

Yes, she was feeling sick. No, she wasn't at the hospital. No, I don't think I'll see that guy ever again.